Power, Leadership, and Erotic Responsibility: A Grieving Man Community Conversation

I am writing to you all today with a heavy heart, and at what feels like the edge of capacity for what one body can metabolize alone. So I’m inviting you all, as men, to join me in cocreating a larger, communal and relational body to hold what is here.

There is no doubt in my heart that we are in a collective moment of reckoning and healing—specifically in regards to cycles of harm perpetuated by men abusing power, male entitlement and control, and the erotic shadow that lives in each of us and the collective.

It’s been three weeks since Holly Truhlar courageously stepped forward to publicly share about known instances when Francis Weller, an established leader in the grief tending community, abused his power and caused sexual/relational harm by engaging in romantic or sexual relationships with those who had been mentees of him and in grief rituals together. I encourage each of you to read her writing—Accountability Without Banishment (her follow-up here). I also suggest you read Ahlay Blakely’s Instagram post. And lastly, Francis Weller’s letter to his students that came out last week, which disputes some of the facts as laid out by Holly.

It was also shared by Holly that another of the male pillars in this teaching lineage of communal grief ritual in the West—Malidoma Somé—had a well-whispered pattern of building sexual relationships with female participants from his grief rituals.

There is deep rage and grief, feelings of betrayal and question, and lots of trauma and stories of harm (especially from survivors of sexual abuse and assault) that are being brought into the public sphere in this moment of reckoning. This is of course layered on top of a history and culture of silence that suppresses, denies, and refutes those who speak to power when sexual harm has occurred.

I won’t be going deep into the specifics of what happened in this writing. I am more interested in inviting in the conversations that are asking to be had today, especially amongst men.

Before continuing, I want to invite in a pause, a moment to take a deep breath together. To notice what we are feeling in our bodies—what emotions are rising to the surface. What tensions or contractions are showing up. We might be feeling fear, or shame, or grief, or anger. Maybe we’re feeling a strong motivation to be one of the “good men” here and stand up for women. Maybe we are feeling the protector that lives inside each of us.

I notice those and more in me. After all the conversations I’ve had with men, women, and non-binary folks this past month, about this specific situation and others parallel to it, I have had moments of feeling so many emotions and stories come up that I’m left with a shaky, ungrounded pull on how best to respond—like a pinball afraid of doing the wrong thing and being directed back and forth by others.

But this is a moment to first re-find center for each of us. To root and ground into what stepping forward in integrity means to you.

And for me, this is a moment to look inside first. To really see and examine where I am complicit or perpetuate these harmful, irresponsible, and wounded patterns.

Because alongside the protector archetype that lives in each of us, so does the predator archetype. And when it gets really easy to point to some “other” with our own undigested emotions that often stem from ways we’ve exiled an inner part of ourselves, we need to notice that, slow down, and take personal account first.

I can personally say, that as I look inside, I am noticing ways that as a leader and space holder, I’ve had moments of attractions or unmet needs (sexual or belonging or self esteem/validation needs) that have not been held in full attunement and responsibility in spaces I’ve been facilitating.

I can personally say that I am still growing to understand the responsibilities that come with role power and leadership that I need to be in deeper responsibility to.

I can personally say that I am still developing my capacity to receive feedback and impact without retaliating in defensiveness or spiraling into my own shame contraction and self-flagellation.

I have caused harm. I do make mistakes. I have had moments of not being as attuned to the responsibilities and accountabilities I have in positions of leadership as I’ve needed to be. I have had serious gaps and missteps in spaces I’ve held by not being as understanding and aware of the trauma that is living inside our nervous systems, especially of survivors. I have had instances of holding role power without the right boundaries and standards of practice holding me.

This is a humbling moment of reckoning and growth.

We are needing standards of ethics as leaders and facilitators that protect the vulnerability and intimacy that is cultivated in these containers and communities. We are needing deeper self-awareness and team transparency around inevitable attractions and erotic energy that enter our spaces. We are needing accountability and repair processes that create safety and healing for those harmed, that protect those most vulnerable from experiencing more harm, and that support the healing of individuals who cause harm and the deeper roots and wounds that have perpetuated them being passed down generation to generation.

And we are needing—as men—to shoulder more of the work, labor, and metabolization of these wounds and harms which have historically been put on the women and non-binary folks in our communities.

I don’t believe in cancel culture. And I worry about the pedestalization and idealization of charismatic leaders (most often male) in spiritual, healing, and movement communities. These projections dehumanize someone to be either all shininess and greatness or darkness and wrongness. The humanness—light and shadow—that is true for each of us, is something to continually come back to.

This is humbling to say the least. And on that note, I’d like to leave us with a few of the questions from Holly and Ahlay:

• What is collective liberation asking of us in this situation? What is my own grief asking of me? What is this lineage, including the harm that lives inside of it, asking of us? What are the people most harmed asking of us, of me? (Holly)

• How do we create spiritual, soulful, and movement spaces where the erotic, as embodied aliveness or creative energy, is welcomed rather than suppressed, while protecting the vulnerability of the people within them? (Holly)

• What responsibility comes with holding power among people in states of vulnerability, grief, devotion, or altered consciousnesses? (Ahlay)

These questions, and others, are what I’d like to invite men into having a conversation around. On the evening of Thursday, October 15th, I, along with others from the Grieving Man team, will be holding a community conversation for men to begin exploring these topics together—in responsibility, care, and the prayer for both the healing for all those who’ve been harmed and the collective metabolization that can transmute these wounds into generativity, relational resiliency, and gender reconciliation.

If you’d like to join, please RSVP for a free ticket here to get the zoom link.

Thank you for standing up in the storm alongside me. Sending love and care your way alongside prayers of slowness, deep breaths, and tender holding.

Welcome to the October 2026 edition of Grieving Man’s Newsletter.